This is a collection of jokes and other humorous stories I have collected off the Net over the past few years. Most relate to engineering or science but some on other topics were just too good to pass up.
These should be mostly suitable for general audiences (unless you have a lawyer in the family. :-) They are in no particular order. I just add new ones to the end of the file (most of the time) and bump the version number (when I remember).
In most cases, the actual authors are unknown but I have at least provided attribution to the person who posted or emailed the article where available.
Having said that, I will not be responsible for any direct or consequential damage that may result from the reading of this collection including but not limited to: complaints from neighbors over excessive noise, costs associated with hernia operations resulting from prolonged and intense belly-laughs, destruction of property caused when the dog, cat, spouse, or other relation was thrown across the room from the couch and landed in the entertainment center, or the time and expense of finding another place of employment having been fired from your former one due to continuous Web page reading and inattention to the duties associated with your official job description.
As you can tell, lawyers had nothing whatsoever to do with the wording of this disclaimer. :-)
(From: Chris Taylor (chris@labtam.labtam.oz.au).)
Here is an old collection that I rediscovered recently:
Phrase Translation -------------------------------------------------------------------------------It has been long known I haven't bothered to check the references
It is known I believe
It is believed I think
It is generally believed My colleagues and I think
There has been some discussion Nobody agrees with me
It can be shown Take my word for it
It is proven It agrees with something mathematical
Of great theoretical importance I find it interesting
Of great practical importance This justifies my employment
Of great historical importance This ought to make me famous
Some samples were chosen for study The others didn't make sense
Typical results are shown The best results are shown
Correct within order of magnitude Wrong
The values were obtained empirically The values were obtained by accident
The results are inconclusive The results seem to disprove my hypothesis
Additional work is required Someone else can work out the details
It might be argued that I have a good answer to this objection
The investigations proved rewarding My grant has been renewed
(From: Brandon Davis (HUEP35B@prodigy.com).)
The First Law of Thermodynamics: "You can't get something for nothing"
The Second Law of Thermodynamics: "As a matter of fact, you can't even break even."
Newton's first Law of Motion: "If you kick a can, it will move."
Newton's Second Law of Motion: "If you kick it harder, it will move faster."
Perhaps others know of similar restatements of other important Laws?
The best summary of the first and second laws of thermodynamics I have seen (in 3 statments):
(Mostly from: Clay Belcher (cbelcher@kuhub.cc.ukans.edu).)
Time for a little levity, lighting fans. Or should I say a little light humor. This collection of jokes was originally attributed to: Kurt Guntheroth (kurt@tc.fluke.COM).)but I've been unable to raise him at that address. I've taken the liberty to post this here in a somewhat sterilized version (as the original contained some pretty offensive stuff). Enjoy, and feel free to contribute additional ones.
Q: How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to
relate to the experience.
Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five. One to change the bulb and four more to chase off
the Californians who have come up to relate to the experience.
A': Nine. One to change the bulb, and eight to protest the
nuclear power plant that generates the electricity that powers it.
Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None of your business!
A': 50. 50? Yeah 50; its in the contract.
Q: How many Virginians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twelve: one to replace it and eleven to talk about how much
better the old one was.
Q: How many yuppies does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis.
Q: How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.
A': None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready.
Q: How many software people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. That's a hardware problem.
A': One, but if he changes it, the whole building will probably fall down.
A": Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project.
Q: How many hardware folks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. That's a software problem.
A': None. They just have marketing portray the dead bulb as a feature.
Q: How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: As many as you want; they're all virtual, anyway.
Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment of
license fee (binary only).
A': Nearly unanswerable, since the one who tries to change it usually drops
it, and the others call for a planning session.
A": Three. One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number of one of
their subordinates to actually change it.
Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.
Q: How many `Real Men' does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: `Real Men' aren't afraid of the dark.
Q: How many `Real Women' does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: A 'Real Woman' would have plenty of real men around to do it.
Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
Q: How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last as long as light bulbs.
Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with
the old one for the next 10,000 years.
Q: How many pre-med students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from under
him.
Q: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.
Q: How many Feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's not funny!!!
Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
Q: How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to assume the ladder and one to change the bulb.
A': None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself
in.
Q: How many Valley Girls does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Oooh, like, manual labor? Gag me with a spoon! For sure.
Q: How many data base people does it take to change alight bulb?
A: Three:
One to write the light bulb removal program,
one to write the light bulb insertion program, and
one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure
nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.
Q: How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Billions and billions.
Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: A tree in a golden forest.
A': Two: one to change the bulb and one not to change it.
A": One to change and one not to change is fake Zen. The true Zen answer is
Four. One to change the bulb.
A'":None. Zen masters carry their own light.
Q: How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the
old light bulb was.
Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with
brightly colored machine tools.
Q: How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it takes a truckload of light bulbs!
Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation
specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
Q: How many [IBM] Technical Writers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001,
Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the
pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% of the
definitions are of the form "A:...... consists of sequences of non-blank
characters separated by blanks".
A': Just one, provided there's an engineer around to explain how to do it.
Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but they get three publications out of it.
Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change the light bulb, one to be a witness, and the third
to shoot the witness.
Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. It turned itself in.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?
Q: How many football players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!
Q: How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. There never was any light bulb.
Q: How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!
Q: How many psychics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: ---- You should have hit "n"!
Q: How many sorority sisters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 51. One to change the bulb, and fifty to sing about the bulb
being changed.
Q: How many frat guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three: One to screw it in, and the other two to help him
down off the keg.
A': Five: One to hold the bulb, and four to guzzle beer until the room spins.
Q: How many Harvard students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one. He grabs the bulb and waits for the world to revolve around him.
Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to assure the everything possible is being done while the other
is incomplete pending resolution of some action items. It will be
continued next week. Meanwhile...
Q: How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: About one third less than for a regular bulb.
Q: How many WASP Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to get a Tab and one to call Daddy.
Q: How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: What kind of answer did you have in mind?
Q: How many civil servants does it take to change the light bulb?
A: 45. One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.
Q: How many junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Oh wow, is it like dark, man?
Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I will have an estimate for you a week from Monday.
Q: How many U.S marines does it take to screw in a light bulb
A: 50. One to screw in the light bulb and the remaining 49 to guard him.
Q: "How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
A: "151, one to screw the light-bulb in, and 150 to self-destruct the ship
out of disgrace."
Q: How many dull people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: one.
Q: How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to replace a light
bulb?
A: Many hands make light work.
Q: How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000"
Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a light
bulb?
A: 7. Scotty will report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in the
Engineering Section is burnt out, to which Kirk will send Bones to
pronounce the bulb dead. Scotty, after checking around, notices that they
have no more new light bulbs, and complains that he can't see in the dark
to tend to his engines. Kirk must make an emergency stop at the next
uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb from the
natives. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu, and 3 red shirt security officers beam
down. The 3 security officers are promptly killed by the natives, and the
rest of the landing party is captured. Meanwhile, back in orbit, Scotty
notices a Klingon ship approaching and must warp out of orbit to escape
detection. Bones cures the native king who is suffering from the flu, and
as a reward the landing party is set free and given all of the light bulbs
they can carry. Scotty cripples the Klingon ship and warps back to the
planet just in time to beam up Kirk et. al. The new bulb is inserted, and
the Enterprise continues with its five year mission.
Q: How many efficiency experts does it take to replace a light bulb?
A: None. Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs.
Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.
Q: How many Chinese Red Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 10,000 - to give the bulb a cultural revolution.
Q: Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb?
A: No, big daddy, but hum a few bars and I will fake it.
A': Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and seventeen in on
the guest list.
Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a
surprising twist at the end.
Q: How many bikers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It takes two. One to change the bulb, and the other to kick the switch.
Q: How many running-dog lackeys of the bourgeoisie does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: Two. One to exploit the proletariat, and one to control the means of
production!
Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself
symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a
netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of
nothingness.
Q: How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, if it knows its own Goedel number.
Q: How many dadaists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: To get to the other side.
Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. It's left to the reader as an exercise.
A': One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem to an
earlier joke.
A": One. He gives it to five Oregonians, thereby reducing the
problem to an earlier joke.
A'": In an earlier article, zeus!bobr writes:
Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem to an
earlier joke...
In earlier work, Wiener [1] has shown that one mathematician can change a
light bulb. If k mathematicians can change a light bulb, and if one more
simply watches them do it, then k+1 mathematicians will have changed the light
bulb. Therefore, by induction, for all n in the positive integers, n
mathematicians can change a light bulb.
Bibliography:
[1] Weiner, Matthew P., <11485@ucbvax>, "Re: YALBJ", 1986
Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We don't know. They never get past the feasibility study.
Q: How many Ukrainians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: They don't need to, they glow in the dark.
Q: How many poets does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to curse the darkness, one to light a candle...
... and one to change the bulb.
Q: How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell
it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out).
Q: How many aides does it take to change the President's light bulb?
A: None, they like to keep him in the dark.
Q: How many magicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Depends on what you want to change it into.
Q: How many Macintosh users does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. You have to replace the whole motherboard.
And a couple more:
(From: Don Klipstein (don@misty.com).)
Q: How many straight male West Hollywood residents does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: Either of them could probably do it themselves.
Q: How many journalists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to report on the inspired program to bring light, one to
report on the sinister government plot to deprive the poor of darkness,
and one to report on the light bulb manufacturer assassinating the old
light bulb.
(From: WB or CM Hilbrich (hilbrich@antares.cloudnet.com).)
Q: How many mailing list (or USENET!) subscribers does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: 1,331:
- 1 to change the light bulb and to post to the list that the light bulb
has been changed.
- 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light
bulb could have been changed differently.
- 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
- 27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light
bulbs.
- 53 to flame the spell checkers.
- 156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb
discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list.
- 41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.
- 109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take
this e-mail exchange to alt.lite.bulb.
- 203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and
alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.
- 111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs
and therefore the posts ARE relevant to this mail list.
- 306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to
buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this
technique, and what brands are faulty.
- 27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.
- 14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected
URLs.
- 3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this
list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list.
- 33 to summarize all posts to date, then quote them including all headers
and footers, and then add "Me Too."
- 12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot
handle the light bulb controversy.
- 19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three".
- 4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.
- 1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.
- 47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave
it here.
- 143 votes for alt.lite.bulb.
(From: Dan Hicks (danhicks@millcomm.com).)
You forgot:
- 37 empty posts.
- 250 debating the merits of magnetic light bulb filters.
- 3 giving you URLs for really sexy adult light bulbs.
(From: Steve Dooley steve.dooley@stevedooleyassociates.com).)
I don't see the most famous one there - maybe because it is a U.S.A. site
and you don't have two standards for light bulb fittings??
Q: How many Standards Committee members to change a light bulb?
A: Bayonet or Edison Screw?
(From: Gretchen Patti (gpatti@tezzaron.com).)
Q: How many procrastinators does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One - but he has to wait until the light is better.
Q: How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. But he has to do it while you're eating dinner.
Q: How many professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he gets three research papers out of it.
Q: How many meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed?
A: This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is
incomplete pending resolution of some action items. It will be
continued next week. Meanwhile...
Q: How many college students does it take to change a light-years?
A: I dunno, I forgot my calculator at home.
Q: How many first year civil engineering students does it take to
change a light bulb ?
A: None. That's a second year subject.
Q: How many physicists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Eleven. One to do it and ten to co-author the paper.
Q: How many astronomers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, astronomers prefer the dark.
Q: How many radio astronomers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They are not interested in that short wave stuff.
Q: How many general relativists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One holds the bulb, while the other rotates the universe.
Q: How many body builders does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to screw in the light bulb, and two to stand nearby saying,
"YOU'RE HUGE, MAN, YOU'RE HUGE!"
Q: How many Liberals does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That depends. Can we do it without offending anyone?
Q: How many Conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That depends. How many people can we offend?
Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark! I don't want to be a nuisance
to anybody
Q: How many teachers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Well, teachers don't change light bulbs, but they can help to make a dim
one brighter.
Q: How many car salesmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I'm just going to work this out on my calculator and I know you will be
pleasantly surprised.
Q: How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but it takes at least 8 adjustments.
Q. How many Borg does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One, but the whole collective enjoys the experience.
Q: How many Klingons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Klingons aren't afraid of the dark!
Q: How many homeschoolers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: First mom checks three books on electricity out of the library, then the
kids make models of light bulbs, read a biography of Thomas Edison,
and do a skit based on his life. Next, everyone studies the history of
lighting methods, wrapping up with dipping their own candles. Then
everyone takes a trip to the store, compares types of light bulbs and
their prices, and figures out how much change they'll get if they buy
two bulbs for $1.99 and pay with a five dollar bill. On the way home,
a discussion develops over the history of money (and also Abraham
Lincoln, because his picture is on the five dollar bill). Finally,
after building a homemade ladder out of branches dragged from the
woods, the new light bulb is installed. And there is light!
Q: How many stressed-out women does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one
else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even
know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark
for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And once they figured it
out, they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs, despite the fact
that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS.
But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO
DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on
to change the stupid light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND
UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT
BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT
THE GARBAGE!!
IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT
ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD
TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS... I'm sorry... What did you ask me?
Technical Light Bulbs:
Q: How many Windows programmers does it take to change a light bulb? A: 472. One to write WinGetLightBulbHandle, one to write WinQueryStatusLightBulb, one to write WinGetLightSwitchHandle...Q: How many Tech Support folks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We have received your request concerning your hardware problem, and has assigned your request Ticket Number 39712. Please use this number for any future reference to this light bulb issue. As soon as a technician becomes available, you will be contacted.
A': We have an exact copy of the light bulb here, and it seems to be working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have? OK. Now, exactly how dark is it? OK, there could be four or five things wrong... Have you tried the light switch?
Q: How many Microsoft technicians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three: two holding the ladder and one to hammer the bulb into a faucet.
Q: How many Microsoft vice presidents does it take to change a light bulb? A: Eight: one to work the bulb and seven to make sure Microsoft gets $2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world.
Q: How many test engineers does it take to change a light bulb? A: We just noticed the room was dark; we don't actually fix the problems.
Q: How many MicroSoft Help Desk people dies it take to change a light bulb? A: Four: - One to ask "What is the registration number of the light bulb?" - One to ask "Have you tried rebooting it?" - One to ask "Have you tried reinstalling it?" - And the last one to say "It must be your hardware because the light bulb in our office works fine..."
Q: How many Microsoft designers does it take to change a light bulb? A: We can see no need for uninstallation and have therefore made no provision for light bulbs to be removed.
Q: How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb? A: You're still thinking procedurally. A properly designed light bulb object would inherit a change method from a generic light bulb class, so all you'd have to do is send a light bulb change message.
Q: How many shipping dept. personnel does it take to change a light bulb? A: We can change the bulb in 7-10 working days; if you call before 2 pm and pay an extra $15 we can get the bulb changed overnight. Don't forget to put your name in the upper right hand corner of the light bulb box.
Q: How long does it take a DEC repairman to change a light bulb? A: It depends on how many burnt-out lightbulbs he brought with him.
Q: How many Windows users does it take to change a lightbulb? A: One, but she/he'll swear up and down that it was JUST as easy for him as it would be for a Macintosh user.
Q: How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness(tm) as the new industry standard.
Q: How many AI researchers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: One to develop a knowledge representation scheme, one to model the domain, one to create a theoretical taxonomy, and one to write a paper on future research directions. Of course, the bulb won't actually get changed ....
A few musical light bulb jokes:
Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to change the bulb and the other to say "I can do it better than that!"Q: How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb? A: Five: One to handle the bulb, and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would've done it.
Q: How many oboists does it take to change a light bulb? A: One. But by the time he gets done shaving the tip, you won't need it.
Star Trek Light Bulb Jokes:
If you're a Star Trek fan, look at these amazingly well-written parodies based on the "Light Bulb" theme:
Peter Anspach's Star Trek Parodies.
If you're NOT into Star Trek, don't bother. :)
And now for astrology... As an astronomer, I don't care for astrology. But, as a pisces married to a taurus, I find this one REALLY funny!
The Great Astrological Light Bulb Joke:
How many members of your sign does it take to change a light bulb?
ARIES: Just one. You want to make something of it?
TAURUS: One, but just try to convince him that the burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.
GEMINI: Two, but the job never gets done -- they just keep discussing who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done!
CANCER: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grieving process.
LEO: Leos don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo in to do the job for them while they're out.
VIRGO: Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.
LIBRA: Er, two. Or maybe one. No, on second thought, make that two. Is that OK with you?
SCORPIO: That information is strictly secret and shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.
SAGITTARIUS: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?
CAPRICORN: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.
AQUARIUS: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so...
PISCES: Light bulb? What light bulb?
How Many Dogs Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?:
Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid lamp!
Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!
Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Pointer: I see it! There's the light bulb! There it is! There! Right there!
Australian Shepherd: First, gather all the light bulbs in a little circle...
Dalmatian: Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
Church Worker Light Bulbs:
Q: How many church music directors does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one. It's not in his job description, but if you let him create his own new arrangement for it, he'll do it.Q: How many guitar-playing worship leaders does it take to change a light bulb? A: One. But soon all those around can warm up to its glowing.
Q: How many Sunday School teachers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Four. One to work the relevant Bible verses into a word search puzzle, another to create a little drama about light bulbs, a third to assemble materials for the craft project, and a fourth to supervise the children as they each, in turn, remove and replace the bulb.
Q: How many youth ministers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Youth ministers aren't around long enough for a light bulb to burn out.
Church Denomination Light Bulbs:
Q: How many Roman Catholics does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. They always use candles.Q: How many Unitarians does it take to change a light bulb? A: This statement was issued: "We choose not to make a statement either in favour or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your journey you have found that a light bulb works for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb (or light source, or non dark resource) and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long life, and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths of luminescence.
Q: How many Amish does it take to change a light bulb? A: What's a "light bulb?"
Q: How many Charismatics does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one. Hands are already in the air.
Q: How many Pentecostals does it take to change a light bulb? A: Ten. One to change the light bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
Q: How many Presbyterians does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. God has predestined when the lights will be on and off.
Q: How many Episcopalians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Eight. One to call the electrician, and seven to say how much better they liked the old bulb.
Q: How many Mormons does it take to change a light bulb? A: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.
Q: How many Methodists does it take to change a light bulb? A: A whole congregation. One to change the light bulb, and the rest of the congregation to be sure that he doesn't backslide.
Q: How many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb? A: At least fifteen. One to change the light bulb, five or six professors to search the Bible for authorization and then two or three committees to approve the change. Oh, and some faithful women to make a casserole.
Q: How many Missouri Synod Lutherans does it take to change a light bulb? A: ...change?
Q: How many Promise Keepers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Ten. Just one to change the lightbulb, but he is accountable to the other nine.
Q: How many Jehovah's Witnesses does it take to change a light bulb? A: 144,000. Just one to change the bulb but the rest will canvas the community to try and convince everyone they are the only certified light bulb changers.
Q: How many Scientology does it take to change a light bulb? A: Light bulb? Who told you about our light bulb? Where did you get that information? We'll see you in court.
Q: How many Christian Scientists does it take to change a light bulb? A: While the light bulb may give off light to the unenlightened in this world, for those who have been visited by the divine wisdom, no light bulb is really necessary.
(From: Henry G. Baker (hbaker@netcom.com).)
We give you the most megaflops.
(Intel Inside logo)
"I asked for a refund on my Pentium, and all I got was this lousy T-shirt"
A: Repentium.
---
Q: What does the element Pentium decay into?
A: Inert silicon with the emission of a press release.
---
The Pentium doesn't have bugs or produce errors; it's just Precision-Impaired.
---
Intel business executives have been so stressed by staying up late at night trying to figure out what to do about the Pentium Problem, that they're past the floating point.
---
I heard that Intel lost one of its divisions today...
---
(From: Mark Thorson (eee@netcom.com).)
Intel Inside sat on a wall.
Intel Inside had a great fall.
All the king's lawyers
and all the king's men
couldn't put Intel Inside
back together again.
Pentium Processor, puddin' and pie.
Pentium Processor, price real high.
When the bugs came out to play,
Pentium Processor ran away.
(From: John Cooley (jcooley@world.std.com).)
"Here's some of the hardware humor I've had mailed to me since the Intel Pentium floating point divide bug came out that's been such big news lately. It's not every day that we hardware designers get national recognition for *anything* either positive or negative! (Thought I'd post it as a refreshing diversion from the 100,000 serious hardware design oriented posts we see here all year through.)"
John Cooley
- Part Time Sheep & Goat Farmer
- Part Time EDA Consumer Advocate
- Full Time ASIC, FPGA & EDA Design Consultant
9. Want to get into the Guinness Book as "owner of the most expensive paperweight".
8. Math errors add zest to life.
7. You need an alibi for the IRS.
6. You want to see what all the fuss is about.
5. You've always wondered what it would be like to be a plaintiff.
4. The "Intel Inside" logo matches your decor perfectly.
3. You no longer have to worry about the CPU overheating.
2. You got a great deal from JPL.
And the #1 reason to buy a Pentium machine:
1. It'll probably work.
Q: How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 1.99904274017, but that's close enough for non-technical people.
Q: What do you get when you cross a Pentium PC with a research grant?
A: A mad scientist.
Q: What's another name for the "Intel Inside" sticker they put on Pentiums?
A: The warning label.
Q: Complete the following word analogy: Add is to Subtract as Multiply
is to:
1) Divide
2) ROUND
3) RANDOM
4) On a Pentium, all of the above
A: Number 4.
Q: What algorithm did Intel use in the Pentium's floating point divider?
A: "Life is like a box of chocolates." (Source: F. Gump of Intel)
Q: Why didn't Intel call the Pentium the 586?
A: Because they added 486 and 100 on the first Pentium and got 585.999983605.
9.9999973251 It's a FLAW, Dammit, not a Bug 8.9999163362 It's Close Enough, We Say So 7.9999414610 Nearly 300 Correct Opcodes 6.9999831538 You Don't Need to Know What's Inside 5.9999835137 Redefining the PC -- and Mathematics As Well 4.9999999021 We Fixed It, Really 3.9998245917 Division Considered Harmful 2.9991523619 Why Do You Think They Call It *Floating* Point? 1.9999103517 We're Looking for a Few Good Flaws 0.9999999998 The Errata Inside
(From: Jim Weir (rst-engr@oro.net).)
And for those of you who went through school thinking that everything above 30 MHz was powdered bat wings and mouse milk,
Immediately scan your computer for the following viruses:
(From: Frank Reid (reid@indiana.edu).)
THE FABLE OF THE FOX'S FAX
by Frank
Based *very* loosely on a true story.
(G-rated version; use your imagination.)
Fox faced a fix; Fox couldn't fax, for Fox's fax was fried. "Fax failure forfeits fortunes faxing flax futures," figured Fox, frantically phoning Phoebe the Frugal Fax Fixer from Phoenix, who features fast fax fixes for flat fees of fifty French Francs. "Fix my freaking fax!" Fox fumed furiously.
Phoebe's fastest field fax-fixer, Pheasant, flew to Fox's flat. Pheasant found flocks of faulty fuses, a familiar foible of funky faxes from Formosa. Fetching fistfuls of fresh fuses forced Fox's fax to function with flawless finesse, faithfully focusing phalanxes of photons in phase with faraway photoelectron flux.
"Phooey!" Fox fussed, flipping Pheasant the finger. "I fail to fathom fifty French francs for fifteen-pfennig fuses. Forget fiscal funds for fallacious fax-fix!"
Pheasant fervently feared fowl finagling, for Pheasant failed to find her father following the forementioned fox's fax-fix fiasco four fortnights from February. Pheasant found feathers festooning Fox's foyer, and feared Fox feasted on Father. Pheasant flew forthwith, fleeing Fox's flat.
Pheasant fingered Fox, forwarding fiendishly-forged fax to feds. Federal fuzz ferreted Fox's fingerprints and fined Fox for filching fuses, fomenting forest fires, fencing foreign freon, fleecing folks with fraudulent faxed flax-futures, and felonious failure to file flat flax-fax tax. Fox filibustered futilely, and finally fell afoul of a frizzy female fed who fired flintlocks and fancied fox fur.
Moral: Fare fixers fairly or face fur-fetched frustration.
Here is one that hasn't been posted to sci.electronics.repair yet:
Newsgroups: sci.electronics.repair
Subject: Flux Capacitor broken
Greetings:
We found what appears to be a Flux Capacitor that fell out of an alien spaceship in their haste to depart after being approached by BIG BIRD.
The plutonium supply seems to be adequate but plugging the 3 wire cord into 115 VAC doesn't produce any response. However, probing the logic circuits with our HP 16500 analyzer indicates that the P9-1000 they are apparently using to control the display is functional. (It also passes the FDIV bug test - must not be genuine Intel.)
Upon further examination, we note the device marked @@#$%-@#%@$#-11 appears to be burnt. Would like to know of source for this device or equivalent. It seems to be in-line with the main power relay.
We would really like to get our infinite energy/time machine going but are hesitant to jump across this device if it is not just a fuse or if there are further problems. A black hole in the middle of our back yard would be really bad for property values.
Thanks in advance for any assistance.....:-)
--- us
Engineerin' Department of our company is on 3rd floor; company's main power XFMR is on utility pole right outside window. This mornin', Scott, engineer (ME) whose desk is next to window asked, "Hey, Bill, how much power is that transformer carryin'?"
Thought it over, answered, "Ah, with a full shift in the machine shop, should be about 200, 300 kW. Why?"
"Hmmmm. So, how strong are the electromagnetic fields from that?"
"Not very. Transformer designers go to fair pains to keep fields inside transformers!"
"Oh. Well, what about those high tension wires? What if one broke? Would that be dangerous? Or, couldn't the transformer just explode?"
"Well, yeah, I guess. Transformers do fail, once in a while. And the high voltage lines are probably up around 4400 volts, IIRC." Was gettin' a little irritated at this point, so added, "Guess if the transformer blew, or, if one of those lines broke and smashed through the window, coroner's report on you would read 'burned beyond recognition,' or maybe, 'grilled like a chop!' So what does this have to do with anything?"
Scott shook his head. "I dunno, boss. I'm not real comfortable sittin' that close to machine carryin' that kind of power. There's an empty desk by the back wall. Mind if I move?"
Rolled my eyes, said, "Sure, go ahead!"
Just about time Scott had his CAD terminal moved, plugged into LAN drop next to back wall, one of the other guys pointed out window, "Hey, check out the transformer!" Damned thing had blue sparks, smoke, comin' out of one of the porcelain terminals. Consolidated Edison was out in about an hour with 3 trucks, overhaulin' transformer.
Dunno what to make of this, but, do know one thing; if we're ever standin' on sidewalk, and Scott sez, "Gee, could we stand a little further from curb?" I won't ask why; I'll just do it!
(Forwarded by: Jim Rauchut (rauchut@repairfaq.org), apparently by Scott Adams (from his book: The Dilbert Principle).)
People who work in the fields of science and technology are not like other people. This can be frustrating to the nontechnical people who have to deal with them. The secret to coping with technology-oriented people is to understand their motivations. This chapter will teach you everything you need to know. I learned their customs and mannerisms by observing them, much the way Jane Goodall learned about the great apes, but without the hassle of grooming.
Engineering is so trendy these days that everybody wants to be one. The word "engineer" is greatly overused. If there's somebody in your life who you think is trying to pass as an engineer, give him this test to discern the truth.
You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging crooked. You...
The correct answer is "C" but partial credit can be given to anybody who writes "It depends" in the margin of the test or simply blames the whole stupid thing on "Marketing."
Engineers have different objectives when it comes to social interaction.
"Normal" people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from social interaction:
To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two categories: (1) things that need to be fixed, and (2) things that will need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with them. Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems. Normal people don't understand this concept; they believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
No engineer looks at a television remote control without wondering what it would take to turn it into a stun gun. No engineer can take a shower without wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make showering unnecessary. To the engineer, the world is a toy box full of sub-optimized and feature-poor toys.
Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer, assuming the basic thresholds for temperature and decency have been satisfied. If no appendages are freezing or sticking together, and if no genitalia or mammary glands are swinging around in plain view, then the objective of clothing has been met. Anything else is a waste.
Engineers love all of the "Star Trek" television shows and movies. It's a small wonder, since the engineers on the starship Enterprise are portrayed as heroes, occasionally even having sex with aliens. This is much more glamorous than the real life of an engineer, which consists of hiding from the universe and having sex without the participation of other life forms.
Dating is never easy for engineers. A normal person will employ various indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false impression of attractiveness. Engineers are incapable of placing appearance above function.
Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole. They are widely recognized as superior marriage material: intelligent, dependable, employed, honest, and handy around the house. While it's true that many normal people would prefer not to date an engineer, most normal people harbor an intense desire to mate with them, thus producing engineer-like children who will have high-paying jobs long before losing their virginity.
Male engineers reach their peak of sexual attractiveness later than normal men, becoming irresistible erotic dynamos in their mid thirties to late forties. Just look at these examples of sexually irresistible men in technical professions:
Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and human relationships. That's why it's a good idea to keep engineers away from customers, romantic interests, and other people who can't handle the truth.
Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work. They say things that sound like lies but technically are not because nobody could be expected to believe them. The complete list of engineer lies is listed below.
"I won't change anything without asking you first."
"I will return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow."
"I have to have new equipment to do my job."
"I'm not jealous of your new computer."
Engineers are notoriously frugal. This is not because of cheapness or mean spirit; it is simply because every spending situation is simply a problem in optimization, that is, "How can I escape this situation while retaining the greatest amount of cash?"
If there is one trait that best defines an engineer it is the ability to concentrate on one subject to the complete exclusion of everything else in the environment. This sometimes causes engineers to be pronounced dead prematurely. Some funeral homes in high-tech areas have started checking resumes before processing the bodies. Anybody with a degree in electrical engineering or experience in computer programming is propped up in the lounge for a few days just to see if he or she snaps out of it.
Engineers hate risk. They try to eliminate it whenever they can. This is understandable, given that when an engineer makes one little mistake, the media will treat it like it's a big deal or something.
If that approach is not sufficient to halt a project, then the engineer will fall back to a second line of defense: "It's technically possible but it will cost too much."
Ego-wise, two things are important to engineers:
Engineers will go without food and hygiene for days to solve a problem. (Other times just because they forgot.) And when they succeed in solving the problem they will experience an ego rush that is better than sex--and I'm including the kind of sex where other people are involved.
Nothing is more threatening to the engineer than the suggestion that somebody has more technical skill. Normal people sometimes use that knowledge as a lever to extract more work from the engineer. When an engineer says that something can't be done (a code phrase that means it's not fun to do), some clever normal people have learned to glance at the engineer with a look of compassion and pity and say something along these lines: "I will ask Bob to figure it out. He knows how to solve difficult technical problems."
At that point it is a good idea for the normal person to not stand between the engineer and the problem. The engineer will set upon the problem like a starved Chihuahua on a pork chop.
(From: Tom The sparky (martinm@wic.net).)
One night when his charge was pretty high Micor Farad decided to get a cute little coil to help him discharge. He picked up Millie Amp and took her for a ride on his megacycle. They rode across Wheatstone Bridge, around by the sine wave, and stopped in a magnetic field by a flowing current.
Micor Farad, attracted by Millie Amp's characteristic curve, soon began to lower her resistance to minimum and his field was fully excited. He laid her on the ground potential, raised her frequency, lowered her capacitance, and plugged in his high voltage probe. He inserted it into her socket, connected them in parallel, and began to short circuit her shunt. Fully excited Millie cried "ohm, ohm, ohm".
With his tube operating at a maximum peak, and her ciol vibrating from current flow, she soon reached her maximum peak. The excess current flow had gotten her hot and Micro Farad was rapidly discharging having drained off every electron.
They fluxed all night trying different connections and sockets until his bar magnet had lost all its field strength. Afterwords, Millie Amp tried self-induction and damaged her solenoid. With his battery fully discharged, Micro Farad was unable to excite her generator. So they ended up by reversing polarity and blowing each other's fuses
(From: sam).
Have you seen Sears shop vacs lately? I think they are also up to 6 HP. Every week or so, they seem to come out with one that is a little higher in their HP ratings - I guess internal cold fusion or something.
(From: Pin 2 Hot (pinksnd@io.com).)
Let's see, RPM X Torque = Horsepower.
Thus: No-load RPM X Locked-rotor Torque = Sears Horsepower
Notes:
(From: Carter B. Schroy (CBS970@AOL.COM).)
Bill Gates died. He was sent to the Afterlife Waiting Room. He was met by St. Peter, who asked him if he wanted to go to Heaven or Hell, and if he'd like to see them before he decided. Bill said yes, and St. Peter snapped his fingers. They appeared on a sunny beach, with people dancing, swimming, and playing volleball. Just basically having a wonderful time. Good food, good music, good people. Bill turns to St. Peter and says, "Wow, Heaven is great!" St. Peter says, "This isn't Heaven, it's Hell. Want to see Heaven?" Mr. Gates nods yes, and they appear in a shady park, with a few old people sitting on benches feeding birds. A gentle breeze blows by, and all is quiet and serene. St. Peter asks Bill, "Well, which would you like?" Bill thinks for a minute, and says, "Well, if this is Heaven, then I will take Hell." Instantly, he was plunged up to his neck in red-hot lava, the screams of other tortured souls filling his ears. He looks up, and sees St. Peter in the waiting room. Bill calls out to him, and said, "Hey! What's going on? Where's the beach? The bikini-clad women? The party?" St. Peter turns from his Macintosh to face Bill, and says, "That was just the demo."
After applying some simple algebra to some trite phrases and cliches a new understanding can be reached of the secret to wealth and success.
Here it goes.
What THIS MEANS is:
What THIS MEANS is:
How Mil Specs Live Forever:
The US Standard Railroad Gauge (the distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That is an exceedingly odd number; Why was that gauge used?
Because that was the way they built them in England, and the US railroads were built by English expatriates.
Why did the English people build them that size? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that was the gauge they used.
Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons. which used that wheel spacing.
Okay! Why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing? Because the first long distance roads in Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their legions. Those roads have been used ever since. And the ruts? The initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagons, were originally made by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made by or for Imperial Rome, they were all made with similar wheel spacing.
Thus, we have the answer to the original question. The US Standard Railroad Gauge of 4 feet 8.5 inches is derived from the original Mil Spec for Imperial Rome's army war chariots. Mil Specs, like bureaucracies, tend to exist forever.
So, next time you read a Mil Spec and wonder what horse's ass came up with it, you may be exactly right. Because, the Imperial Roman war chariots were designed for maneuverability, as narrow as possible, just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses.
(Forwarded by: Kevin Theobald (theobald@capsl.udel.edu).)
Here is an amusing addition from a NASA guy, Howard Winsett:
There is an interesting extension to the story about railroad gauges and horses' behinds. When we see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. Thiokol makes the SRBs at their factory at Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs might have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site.
The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track is about as wide as two horses' behinds.
So, a major design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass.
You have repeatedly been warned: "Do not replace a fuse unless you have thoroughly checked all other components.... The new fuse may just blow the second time around."
Not necessarily. I have seen cases where the second time around, some other component pops off and the fuse survives!
(From: Keith Morgan (morgankk@boat.bt.com).)
Was a .22 caliber bullet the other component Sam mentioned: (this is an article spotted by Gary Davis in the Arkansas Democrat Gazette 25 July 1996, and reported in the UK Private Eye magazine)
"I thank God every hour that we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his nuts off, cos we'd both be pushing up the daisies by now," Billy Ray Wallis told reporters from his hospital bed in the Baptist Medical Center, Woodruff County. "When you leave, can you check if anyone got the frogs from the truck? I'd hate anything to happen to them."
Wodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder later gave a more coherent account of that evening's events. "It seems that Thurston Poole, 33, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, were returning to Des Arc after a frog-gigging trip, when the fuse for the headlights on Poole's pick-up truck burned out. They didn't have a spare, so Wallis took a .22 caliber bullet from his pistol and found that it fitted perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering wheel column. The headlights started working again, and they resumed their journey, with Poole at the wheel.
"Apparently, it never occurred to them that, if the headlight wiring was faulty, then the bullet would soon overheat. They'd gone about twenty miles and were about to cross White River bridge when it got hot enough to discharge itself, striking Poole in the right testicle and partially severing his scrotum. As a result, the vehicle swerved off the road and drove through the front window of a hamburger bar. Poole (who sustained further abrasions from broken glass, and burns from fried onions) kept shouting at diners 'mind my frogs', while Wallis (who sustained a broken clavicle) attempted to steal a chip-fryer in the confusion. I tell you, I've been a state trooper for ten years, but this is the dumbest thing I've ever come across. I can't believe that those two would admit how the accident happened. And all they keep asking about are their damn frogs."
North Pole Memo:
Subject: Famous Reindeer Terminated
The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.
Streamlining is due to the North Pole's loss of dominance of the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share. He could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.
The reindeer down-sizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated.
Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavorable press.
I am pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that way, not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress.
As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economic measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;
The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated;
The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French;
The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;
The five gold rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order;
The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one;
The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement;
As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;
Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;
Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;
Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line;
We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing") action is pending.
Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
The executives at the North Pole wish you and yours a Merry Christmas and a productive New Year.
A comment was recently made about the lack of humor on this newsgroup. So, I did an excite search on "electronics humor", and, nothing. Zip. Zero. Nada. (Well, I only checked the first page of listings). So, I did remember snagging this off of the net. It's not quite electronics humor, but it is engineering humor, which I guess is as close as we're going to get.
And yes, it's off topic, so go ahead and flame me.
PS: I'm not going to admit (at least not publically) how many of these I said yes to.
(Author: Jose Herrero (jose@borg.harvard.edu).)
You may be an engineer...
(From: Dan Kuechle (dan_kuechle@i-tech.com).)
A hardware engineer, a software engineer, and an engineering manager were skiing over the weekend. Upon leaving the resort the brakes failed on their car. They went screaming down the mountain until they drove into a snow bank. At this point they didn't know what to do. They still had half the mountain to descend, and no brakes. The engineering manager said "I will head up a task force to brainstorm the problem, and then come up with a schedule to implement the outcome." The hardware engineer said "I can fix these brakes! I will jack up the car, remove the wheels, and fix them with my Swiss army knife." The software engineer's only comments were "I think we ought to push the car back up the mountain, try it again, and see if it fails the same way"
Here's one that a friend of mine sent me, I found it pretty funny.
Chocolate Chip Cookies:
Ingredients:
Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.
Someone's note: Cookie sheet thickness is unspecified :-).
(Author: Anonymous).
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the thrash, and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, The your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!
You can't say this? What a shame, Sir! We'll find you another game, Sir...
If the label on the cable on the table at your house, Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol, That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of Gauss So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, Then you may as well reboot and then you go out with a bang, Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's on the disk, And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk, Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM. Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!
(From: Christopher Donham (donham@axon.engr.sgi.com).)
A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question:
"Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with a proof."
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however wrote the following:
"First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass.
If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since, there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant.
So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.
Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, than the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over."
Let's face it: English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant or ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England or french fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese? One index, two indices? Is cheese the plural of choose?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
In what language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can the weather be hot as h*ll one day and cold as h*ll another?
When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out and an alarm clock goes off by going on.
When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it?
Now I know why I flunked my English. It's not my fault -- the silly language doesn't quite know whether it's coming or going.
Read this but be careful: you might not get any sleep tonight because of these shocking facts...
Perhaps the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention in 1877, was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was invented. But Edison's greatest achievement came in 1879, when he invented the electric company. Edison's design was a brilliant adaptation of the simple electrical circuit: the electric company sends electricity through a wire to a customer, then immediately gets the electricity back through another wire, then (this is the brilliant part) sends it right back to the customer again.
This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch of electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since very few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely. In fact the last year any new electricity was generated in the United States was 1937; the electric companies have been merely re-selling it ever since, which is why they have so much free time to apply for rate increases.
-- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
(Most from: SLEEZY (sleezy@usa.net).)
I look forward to telemarketers because I have great fun at their expense:
(The following one suggested by: Courtney Eckhardt (cme@mit.edu).)
(From: Jim Lagerkvist (jlager@tir.com).)
A rabbi, a hindu, and a lawyer are in a car. they run out of gas, and are forced to stop at a farmers house. The farmer says that there are only 2 extra beds, and one person will have to sleep in the barn. The hindu says, "I'm humble, I will sleep in the barn," so he goes out to the barn. In a few minutes, the farmer hears a knock on the door. It's the hindu and he says, "There is a cow in the barn. It's against my beliefs to sleep with a cow." So the rabbi says, "I'm humble, I will sleep in the barn." A few minutes later, the farmer hears another knock on the door and its' the rabbi. He says that it is against his beliefs to sleep where there is a pig and there is a pig in the barn. So the lawyer is forced to sleep in the barn.
A few minutes later, there is a knock on the door. It's the pig and the cow.
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat"
"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table"
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course.
They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another.
After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"
A tech that worked for me many years ago was holding on to a chassis and leaning forward to see something on the other side. He was always rather careless and had hooked up the HV lead in a sloppy >manner. His forehead came in contact with the 30kv. He jumped up into the air, turned around twice, said, "I almost f___ING lled myself, >walked out into the customer waiting area and cried. Ten minutes later he was in working on the same set.
We later drew a scale on a leg of the bench. One inch represented how high you jumped with 1 kV and 25 inches for 25 kV, etc. It was remarkably accurate.
(From: Vic Tosca (tosca@warwick.net).)
That's a KICKER!! I've got the same thing here, but I have it scaled to .808 in/kV. I found that's the accurate formula for the average weight bench tech, including glasses and pocket protector. We also put a bell on the ceiling- anyone that hits it with his head because of a shock gets a day off!
It's located right under the emergency repair tool kit, which consists of a rabbit's foot, a magic wand, a crystal ball, and a hammer. We had to get rid of the hand grenade...insurance laws, y'know. THAT was a *great* tool for tough dogs and irate customers!
Clients love it.
Author unknown:
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I will sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
IMPORTANT! READ THIS BEFORE USING YOUR NEW DEVICE!
Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you undoubtedly will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer maneuver.
Which is why we ask you to:
PLEASE, FOR GOD'S SAKE, READ THIS OWNERS MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE CONTROLS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD IS ALSO FIDDLING WITH THE CONTROLS, RIGHT? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?!?
We're sorry. We just get a little crazy sometimes because we're always getting back "defective" merchandise where it turns out that the consumer inadvertently bathed the device in acid for six days. So, in writing these instructions, we naturally tend to assume that your skull is filled with dead insects, but we mean nothing by it. OK? Now let's talk about:
PLEASE INSPECT THE CONTENTS CAREFULLY FOR GASHES OR IDA MAE BARKER'S ENGAGEMENT RING, WHICH SHE LOST LAST WEEK, AND SHE THINKS MAYBE IT WAS LOST WHILE SHE WAS PACKING DEVICES.
Ida Mae really wants that ring back, because it is her only proof of engagement, and her fiancee, Stuart, is now seriously considering backing out on the whole thing, in as much as he had consumed most of a bottle of Jim Beam in Quality Control when he decided to pop the question. It is not without irony that Ida Mae's last name is "Barker", if you catch our drift. WARNING: DO NOT EVER, AS LONG AS YOU LIVE, THROW AWAY THE BOX OR ANY OF THE PIECES OF STYROFOAM, EVEN THE LITTLE ONES SHAPED LIKE PEANUTS.
If you attempt to return the device to the store, and you are missing one single peanut, the store personnel will laugh in the chilling manner exhibited by Joseph Stalin just after he enslaved Eastern Europe.
Besides the device, the box should contain:
YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram cable.
IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: YOU IMMEDIATELY should turn to your spouse and say "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King without a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's why."
WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret. And not Pete.
The plug on this device represents the latest thinking of the electrical industry's Plug Mutation Group, which, in a continuing effort to prevent consumers from causing hazardous electrical current to flow through their appliances, developed the Three-Pronged Plug, then the Plug Where One Prong Is Bigger Than The Other. Your device is equipped with the revolutionary new Plug Whose Prongs Consist Of Six Small Religious Figurines Made Of Chocolate.
DO NOT TRY TO PLUG IT IN!
Lay it gently on the floor near an outlet, out of direct sunlight, and water it weekly with a damp handkerchief.
WARNING: WHEN YOU ARE LAYING THE PLUG ON THE FLOOR, DO NOT HOLD A SHARP OBJECT IN YOUR OTHER HAND AND TRIP OVER THE CORD AND POKE YOUR EYE OUT, AS THIS COULD VOID THE WARRANTY.
INSTRUCTIONS: For results that can be the finest, it is our advising that: NEVER to hold these buttons two times!! Except the battery. Next taking the (something) earth section may cause a large occurrance! However. If this is not a trouble, such rotation is a very maintenance action, as a kindly (something) virepoint from Drawing B.
WARNING: IT MAY BE A VIOLATION OF SOME LAW THAT MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER HAS "SHOGUN" ON TAPE.
This one comes from our beloved Mr. Tibbs... Enjoy!
A rather inhibited engineer finally splurged on a luxury cruise to the Caribbean. It was the "craziest" thing he had ever done in his life. Just as he was beginning to enjoy himself, a hurricane roared on the huge ship, capsizing it like a child's toy. Somehow the engineer, desperately hanging on to a life preserver, managed to wash ashore on a secluded island. Outside of beautiful scenery, a spring-fed pool, bananas and coconuts, there was little else. He lost all hope and for hours on end, sat under the same palm tree.
One day, after several months had passed, a gorgeous woman in a small rowboat appeared. "I'm from the other side of the island," she said. "Were you on the cruise ship, too?" "Yes, I was", he answered, "But where did you get that rowboat?" "Well, I whittled the oars from gum tree branches, wove the reinforced gunnel from palm branches, and made the keel and stern from a Eucalyptus tree." "But what did you use for tools?" asked the man. "There was an unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed on the south side of the island. I discovered that if I fired it to a particular temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. Anyhow, that's how I got the tools. But enough of that," she said, "where have you been living all this time? I don't see any shelter." "To be honest, I have just been sleeping on the beach," he said. "Would you like to come to my place?" the woman asked. The engineer nodded dumbly.
She expertly rowed them around to her side of the island, and tied up the boat with a handsome strand of hand-woven hemp topped with a neat back splice. They walked up a winding stone walk she had laid around a palm tree. There stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. "It's not much but I call it home."Inside she said, "sit down, please. Would you like to have a drink?" "No, thanks," said the man. "One more coconut juice and I will throw up." "It won't be coconut juice," the woman replied. I have a crude still out back so we can have authentic Pina Coladas." Trying to hid his amazement, the man accepted the drink and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged stories, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?" "No," the man replied. " I was clean shaven all my life till I ended up on this island." "Well, if you'd like to shave, there's a razor upstairs in the bathroom." The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom and shaved with an intricate bone-and-shell device that was honed razor sharp. Next he showered, not even attempting to guess how she managed to get warm water into the bathroom. Then he went back downstairs. "You look great," said the woman. "I think I will go up and slip into something more comfortable." As she did, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman, smelling of gardenias. returned revealing a gown fashioned out of pounded palm fronds. "Tell me," she asked, "We've both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely...is there anything you really miss? Something that all men and women need? Something that would be really nice right now?" "Yes there is!" the man replied, shucking off his shyness. "There is something I've wanted to do for so long but on this island it was well...impossible." "Well, it is not impossible any more" the woman said. The man, practically panting in excitement, said breathlessly, "You mean you actually figured out some way we can check our e-mail here?"
(From: Chris Hagwood (hagwood@pobox.com).)
My neighbor just bought a new fridge. He said he was gonna put in an icemaker line, so I stopped by to see how he was getting along. He said he was almost done, but had some trouble early on:
He had called his cousin, who told him to tap into the HOT water line, since "hot water freezes faster--that's a fact" he tells me. So I bit my tongue and waited for him to finish telling me what went wrong. "Did it melt the plastic line?", I thought. No, it seems that he forgot that the same water that was going into his icemaker was going to the "cold water through the door". He would get one glass of cold water, then a glass of HOT! So he had to redo everything on a cold line.
Geez Louis! What people will believe.... "hot water freezes faster"! Insane.
Editor's note: The "Hot water freezes faster" thread, like "NiCds and the memory effect" and "PCs versus Macs" threads are typically never ending. There are simply too many variables to consider in an Internet discussion.
(From: John M. Feiereisen (feierejm@utrc.utc.com).)
Maybe they were using Ecoblow(tm) power line magnets. Ordinary electricity molecules clump up and do not efficiently energize electrical equipment. The powerful magnetic field of the Ecoblow breaks up these clumps and aligns the electricity molecules through a process known as gullibility-induced victimization, thereby resulting in more efficient scam - oops - operation.
Using an Ecoblow, you can squeeze almost 35 HP out of an ordinary 120 V, 15 A circuit!
A local bakery installed an Ecoblow 3 on the power cord to their industrial size mixer. Heck, the thing spins so fast now, they don't even have use the oven to bake their bread. (Good thing, too, since they burn their bread with it ever since they installed the Ecoflow(tm) gas line magnet.)
I've got an Ecoblow 3 on the power cord to my 128K Mac and now it's about twice as fast as a Sun Ultra 2! An amazing side effect is that I'm now able run codes in 128KB of memory when they used to take a minimum of 64 MB!
I'm currently in the process of coupling an electric motor to an electrical generator. An Ecoblow 3 on the output of the generator will allow me to power the electric motor *and* produce enough electricity to power my house!
Ecoblow - buy one now, because somebody's got to take your money.
"This AC Battery thing is all conspiracy - a US Government cover-up. However, now we have the "Net" and soon the truth will be out about Elvis, Roswell, lost socks and AC 9V batteries."
(From: Bob Myers (myers@fc.hp.com).)
Sigh.
I can't believe what a young, gullible crowd we have here. You guys will swallow ANYTHING.
Any true Old Hand at electronics would know that the AC output from 9V batteries is simply a holdover from the days of portable tube radios. The AC was used to run the filaments, and also served to drive the DC-to-DC converter that was used to obtain the 100-200V of plate voltage from the 9V DC output. (Yes, they tried the obvious route of simply making 200 VDC batteries - still with the necessary AC output, mind you! - but some tragic accidents at a few K-marts (which were ultimately traced to a simple packaging defect) ended THAT standard really quickly, let me tell you.
Today, of course, it's rare to find a product which actually makes USE of the AC output from these batteries, with the exception of some earlier portable CD players which derived the base for the multiple-phase oversampling input oscillation-compensation stage backup clock from it. (And boy, weren't THOSE designs fun, huh?) But once a standard is established, it's hard to get rid of it. Especially with all those production lines already tooled up. Sure, they might save a little in not having to add the cavorite in at the anode insertion process, but it's NOT worth completely rebuilding the line, trust me.
Sure glad I could clear that up for you.
"Yes, my microwave-damaged CD's are difficult to repair too. :)"
"What are micro wave damaged CD's?"
(From: DaViD Boulet/Don Harley (dharley@bellatlantic.net).)
The trick is to use a very high-quality line-conditioner for the microwave. I try to microwave my CD's late at night when the electricity is "cleanest" to get the best results. Also, I've found that the newer microwaves with LED time-displays seem to add some euphonic properties to the sound...more relaxed treble, smoother string sound and more liquid midrange. What would be great is if I could get a microwave oven with a detachable power cord so I could use a good-quality MIT power cable. Now *that* would be neat.
I'm hoping that some audiophile company picks up on this and gives a tube-based microwave. Too bad Audio Alchemy went out of business. I heard that they had plans to release an audiophile-designed (tube?) microwave oven before they went under. Any ideas if Camelot might pick up on this? The important thing is that they keep the price under the $1000 to make it affordable to the "normal" starving audiophile.
"Ahh, have you tried STEREO m'waves yet? You have to buy 2 CDs, but the sound is well worth it. Make sure that both microwaves are the same brand so that you can use just 1 remote..."
(From: DaViD Boulet/Don Harley (dharley@bellatlantic.net).)
I like your suggestion except for one thing...I don't believe that remotes should be part of a high-end microwave set-up. In my opinion...one should get up to change the minutes/defrost setting. My experience has shown that, in general, companies who offer remotes with their microwaves seem to compromise in sound-quality. Then again, this effect is not resultant from the remote itself. It just seems to stem from a "philosophy" of consumer-gadgetry that many "receiver" style microwave ovens reflect. My favorite (and best sounding) microwave is plain black...with a simple "on-off" switch and no tone controls.
(From: Pat Crean (pat@crean.com).)
Mine sounded FANTASTIC until the turntable stopped - I'm going to make sure my next microwave has a built-in carousel for uninterrupted listening pleasure!
(From: Ian Stirling 000033C19ADC.NO_UCE@mauve.demon.co.uk).)
Hmm, anyone thought about making a plasma speaker, using a modulated microwave?
(From: Armand (mondo@voicenet.com).)
I tried shaking my MV rapidly and nothing happened-- although my macaroni and cheese did resemble plasma. ;}
(From: Dave).
I doubt that with the grade of microwave-wire you're using...you'd possibly be able to hear the improvement. Why invest hundreds of dollars in a high-end microwave set-up (including disc treatments like the marinating solvent...which I heard at my friend's house and it *really* makes a noticeable difference...especially in the bass--much more dynamic and full) only to shove that signal through a cheap pair of interconnects? IMO, you should have *just* as much money invested in your microwave cables as you spend on the rest of microwave-system.
(From: Derrick Hopkins (dhopkins@infi.net).)
Oh please. If you're going to go with Microwaved CD's(instead of the vastly superior Oven cooked LP's) it doesn't really matter kind of interconnect you use. A micro waved atom is a microwaved atom..period. Even if it's garbled a little, the average person can hear a difference.
When you get past all of the audiophile/gourmet snobbery, you'll realize that a $99 Walmart microwave sounds just as good as a $7000 McIntosh microwave.
Consumer Reports did a huge feature on this back in March '92. A Kmart microwave placed ahead of Carver, Sony, Westinghouse, and Adcom. The only model to beat it was Denon and that's only because it was THX/Redenbokker certified.
(From: DaViD Boulet/Don Harley (dharley@bellatlantic.net).)
First of all...we *all* know that when consumer reports rates microwaves...sound quality is the last thing on their mind. If I recall, they didn't even feel that gold-plated-audiophile microwaves offered any sonic improvement! Consumer reports is only interested in specs and features...
Secondly, your assertion that a 10 year old conventional oven-baked LP can sound *better* than a microwaved CD won't be true much longer. Once we get the next-generation of DVD-based Microwaves with 24-beep/96-calories and multi-panel sound, the debate between analog-ovens and digital microwaves will be over once and for all.
(From: Guillermo Gonzalez (gonzalez@netrox.net).)
Yeah, but my problem remains, that the copper sulfate used in the green marker that I use on my CD's, well, it causes some serious arcing in the microwave...
Alas, what is an audiophile to do?
(From: L. E. Sixma (lesixma@introweb.nl).)
Reheat the lot in a gas-oven for 24 hours at a temperature of 215 degrees Centigrade could do the trick. This is a classic analogue trick. Still you got to be shure that the cookies are taken out in time or e